Perhaps you've been told, maybe a million times, that you're no good, stupid, or a failure. Perhaps by now you believe it. Don't. This way of thinking will only do you harm; it will only keep you from taking action to stop the abuse. You can make a better life for yourself and your children. You deserve a life without violence and it can be a reality.

No one can tell you if you should leave or if you should stay in your relationship. This will have to be your own choice. You should know that you will not be able to please yourself and all of the people around you. There will always be someone who disapproves of your choice. With this in mind, whatever you decide, let it be what you feel is best for you. There are advantages and disadvantages to either decision and only you know what you can live with. Here are some disadvantages of leaving for you to consider:

• You might have to ask someone you trust to put you up for a while.
• You might have to look for a place to live that you can afford on your own income.
• You might not have any secure income.
• You may have to find a job or apply for welfare.
• You may have to take your kids out of their regular school.
• You may not be able to have some of the things you had at home, like your  TV, your dishes, or your clothes.
• You may worry about whether your husband, boyfriend, or partner will harass you or bother your family.
• You may have to look into legal procedures to prevent your husband from taking your children.
• You may have to keep your whereabouts secret for a while.
• You will have to explain to your family and friends why you no longer live with your partner.

These are challenges that you may face in leaving an abusive relationship. They are short-term, transitional problems. Most have to do with working out your living arrangements and expenses. Here are some advantages to leaving:

• Your health and life will no longer be threatened by a person you know intimately.
• Your children will no longer witness beatings in their own home.
• New relationships with friends and family will be possible.
• You can gain confidence and self-respect to make good things happen for you.
• You will regain the hope that you can live a happier life.
• You will no longer be anxious or nervous about what kind of mood your abuser will be in.
• You can go places without having to ask permission.
• You can have friends over to your house.
• You will gain respect from your kids, your family, and the people around you and learn to select friends who will respect you.

Stopping the abuse will be one of the hardest and biggest challenges of your life. Ways out of an abusive relationship are as many and varied as the women involved. There is no easy, painless, quick way. Moreover, you will not always be one hundred percent sure of what you are doing. There will be times when you'll wish you hadn't thought about leaving at all, and times when you'll doubt whether you are capable of  living without your partner. This is a natural feeling. Most courageous acts take a little fear to get done.

*excerpted from Mejor Sola Que Mal Acompanada, by Myrna Zambrano